11:11

Me and Harry's 2 years was on Tuesday <3 We didn't do anything special, again. But it was understandable since we're not "together" at the moment. I was upset though, because instead of seeing me right after work at 6, he asked to see me at 8 so that he can smoke with his friends first. Amazingly, I got over it by the next day lol.

Friday was his birthday but I didn't see him that day or the next day so I'm seeing him today. I wish I had gotten to see him but I think he just wanted to spend some time with his friends and get crazy. Eh. Anyway I'm throwing him a surprise birthday picnic in a few hours! & He just called me to tell me to hurry up cause he misses me :) yay.

 i think i just told my mom that i need help... eh. i sorta went around the problem. like, out of nowhere she told me not to go into deep depression again and do stupid things. and then i started off with a "yeah, well..." and it came out. wow. so i'm going to start looking for a psychologist and hopefully speak to someone on friday.

 i hate being home... but i have nowhere else to go.

 I have something to say. I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. I have sudden fits of crying, feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, occasional suicidal thoughts, headaches, fatigue, and a weird sleeping pattern. Harry doesn't call or text me anymore unless I do first. The only day of the week that I see him is Sunday. Though he claims to still love me, he doesn't show it... he doesn't show that he cares either, if he does at all. I strongly believe that I need help, I'm just too scared to tell anyone. I don't blame the break up for the return of my depression, but I do think that it triggered it. I'm really miserable everyday. I don't think I'll do anything stupid this time, like try to kill myself... those never end up successful. I just... idk, I just want to be happy again. 

 reminder:
- he DOES love you, even if he doesn't show it.
- he DOES want to be with you, just not right now.
- don't be needy or clingy!

 i don't have a reason to smile.

 i'm really miserable.

Sunday was 1 week since we "broke up". I cried everyday the whole first week. I told Harry I feel miserable. He told me I'll get over it. I don't think I will. And now something weird has started happening to me: I'm always sleepy and I don't have the appetite that I used to. Two days in a row I took a nap and two days in a row I didn't eat dinner. It's not like I don't get hungry at all. I'm just not hungry enough at the end of the day. 


I want so bad for things to be back to normal.

i miss "us".
i know you're still mine and i'm still yours, but the thought of us not really being together kills me.
i know you still love me.
i hope you don't make me wait too long.

i can't stop crying. i feel so empty.

 i don't know what to do with my life anymore.

 wtf, why do so many dumb bitches try to get their hands on harry? i know he's adorable as fuck but he's mine. have some respect dipshits.

two nights in a row, i cried.
two nights in a row, i thought about dying.

 I love you because you make me the happiest girl in the universe.

 Liar. Why do I love you.

 Harry had some negative things to say about me yesterday. :( It sucked.


My ear is throbbingggg!

 Tomorrow is our 1 year 8 months :)

 :(

I miss spending a lot of time with Harry. I sort of gave him the choice to choose when we'll see each other next, and while I don't expect him to call me and I'll end up seeing him on Saturday like I'm supposed to, a tiny part of me is hoping he calls me sometime tomorrow or Friday. 

 Lately I've been thinking a lot about my history of depression and self-harm. Probably because of my period and all that, I've been pretty gloomy. I remember all those times, sitting on the bathroom floor or in my room, just crying and cutting myself. And then that day I attempted suicide. That was probably the worst feeling I ever felt. That was the lowest point in my life. I still can't believe I went through with it. I'm surprised to see myself today. Back then I probably wouldn't have been able to see myself just... living. I'm alive.

God I'm crazy when I'm hormonal!

I still feel weird about last night. But there's nothing I can do now, what's done is done.

 Harry still doesn't really make time for me. He did yesterday, finally, which was nice. But he's busy this Saturday (and I NEVER make plans on Saturdays, maybe work a little if anything) and he can't make up for it tomorrow either. I wish he understood how I felt. He's okay with seeing me only twice a week, but I'm not. And I would think if he loved me so much, he'd want to see me more... and I'd be a priority in his life, above weed and his friends. But once again, I feel like those two things come before me in his life. I remember feeling that way the year we started going out. I don't know... I know he loves me and cares about me. I just think he takes me for granted a lot of times. It really sucks. I don't want to bug him about hanging out but that's the only way I get to see him. Maybe I should stop trying.